31 October 2007

Gussie's Scary Story

By way of introduction...Asta tagged Gus to play the "name game" some time ago. He said it was no fun, because everyone else had already done it, and no one wants to read his stuff when they've read a hundred others almost like it. I suggested he work out the names and use them in a story. It has taken him forever, probably because of interruptions caused by DWB Pawties. He has also spent the last couple of days agonizing over Janie, at one point suggesting that we see if Bussie's mom would trade us Janie for Teka. Now what good that would do, I don't know. Anyway.

Here is what he came up with...finally. And my apologies to Gus and his muse, but some of his passages were just too gorey to believe..he has caught the spirit of this holiday big time.

"It was a Dark and Stormy night," and Famous Rock star Kitty Kurve sat with her sometime boyfriend Gangster PBJ Cannoli in his nightclub on the Delmar loop where her tour of St. Louis was starting. "Peanut" she said, "Don’t you think we should hire that crooked detective, Rouge Canine to help us find the missing soap star?"

"Sweetie, you know youse can have anything you want" said PBJ . " When did your friend "NoMiNa Landham, MD go missing?"

"Right after we had dinner at White Castle" said Kitty.

Now that was a scary thought, and brought visions of a terrible fate for her friend. "And she ate six of them!"

"Wow!" said PBJ "that’s a lot of belly bombs in her tiny tummy!"

Rouge Canine met them at her office in Clayton. Looking out over the city from her 21st floor office, she carefully considered the evidence in the case. "I think this calls for assistance from my favorite robot Dag-gu" She glided gracefully to the closet on the left of the office and easily pulled the small robot out of the closet. Clapping her hands twice and twitching her nose, she activated the powerful brain living in the body that closely resembled a shaggy wire fox terrier.

"Dag-gu, we must find the missing soap opera star immediately" she said. "There is not much time to waste, and much time has already been wasted by consulting Red le Fin du Monde, the incredibly handsome, unbelievably stupid superhero ."

"Waarf" said Dag-gu. And he toodled off to the elevator, where he used a long pencil to punch in the floor for the Lobby.

"How did he know where we were going" asked PBJ?

"Aah, that’s the only floor he can really reach" said Rouge "so that’s where he always ends up!"

In the lobby, they met Ace Glennon, NASCAR driver and former fiancé of Kitty Kurve. "Hey Rouge baby" he said "I was just on my way up to see yer." "I was hopin you might help me find my old flame Kitty ."

"Here I am you speed demon" said Kitty. "Just what do you want, anyway?" I hope you are not looking for a reconciliation, because it is never going to happen."

"Aaaahhhrgh" said Ace " I think I will just go drive into a wall at high speeds."

"Well make sure you don’t damage the car " said PBJ "I happen to have a half interest in that you know, and my mother’s friends at the Fratellanza own the other half."

Ace muttered something under his breath and stormed off, leaving our intrepid quartet to make their way back to the limousine that PBJ had standing at the curb.

Their driver was none other than Red le Fin du Monde, in the very close company of stripper Muzzer Carver, whose name in the federal witness protection program is Ann Keith.

They were watching Burke Bimidji, the new weather person on KSD-TV talk about the cold front approaching the area in time to freeze all the little fairies and ballerinas while they went out to Trick or Treat.

On the side walk at the corner of DeBusschier and DeBalivier, they found aging hippie Poached Eggie Kibble Tree sitting patiently in full lotus position with a sign that said "Has Anybody seen NoMiNa?" in large psychedelic letters.

"Hey-ya" said Red le Fin du Monde, superhero noted for his verbal acuity. "What-cha lookin for NoMiNa for anyway, huh?"

"She is my long lost daughter" said Poached Eggie. "I recently inherited a fortune from my grandfather, Auggie, and would like to have her come home to live with me." "As the black sheep of my family I now have incredible wealth, but none of my friends or acquaintances are around any longer to share my good fortune. My first thought was of my darling daughter."

"If she really is your long lost daughter, tell me what her name means." said Kitty.

Why her name means NO MIddle NAme." said Poached Eggie. "I named her after a question on her birth certificate that I could not otherwise have answered, because I have no middle name."

Suddenly across the street, a car horn honked. "Hey" shouted a voice "I’m over here."

It was indeed NoMiNa driving a cute little red sportscar fitted out with NASCAR symbols. "Look what my new boyfriend ACE gave me to drive!" she said elatedly. "It goes really fast."

"But where have you been?" Kitty asked.

"Oh, I really got laid low by those belly bombs" said NoMiNa. "From now on, I’m sticking to Steak n Shake!"

"Hurry up guys, we’re gonna be to late to catch my favorite cartoon Collarie Melon about a philanthropist who gives all his money to build libraries for dogs!"

"Now that sounds like a fine idea" said Poached Eggie. "I think I’ll get rid of this tainted money and live simply again."

"Well" said Kitty " I have to be on my way. My new Walkies Rainbow Tour starts this evening, and I have a couple of costume adjustments to make for NoMiNa. She lost a lot of weight on her White Castle diet, and we wouldn’t want her costumes to fall off in the middle of her dance number."

"Wait, wait" said Muzzer Carver. "Someone tell me please just what is wrong with that?"

Where our characters got their names
YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (favorite stuffie + tail characteristic)
YOUR GANGSTER NAME: (favorite kong-filler + favorite cookie)
YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color + favorite animal species)
YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name + city where you were born)
YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name + first 2 letters of your first name)
YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: ("2nd favorite color + favorite drink)NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)
STRIPPER NAME: (your favorite scent + favorite treat)
WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names
TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (your vet’narin’s last name + a major city that starts with the same letter)
CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit + article of clothing you’re wearing right now + "ie" or "y")HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast + your favorite plant)
YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: ("The" + Your favorite hobby + favorite weather element + "Tour")


Butchy & Snickers said...

Oh our dawgness Gussie,
That is one hilarious story!!! No wonder it took so long to make. Very cute indeed!!!
Luv & Wirey Hugs!
Butchy & Snickers

Joe Stains said...

what a great story! We think this should be in a book, and every picture should be you dressed up like each character ;)

BTW Mom said Chuck Box doesn't allow dogs, WTF is up with that?!

Koobuss said...

WOW!!!! What a great story that was!! I was spellbound!! The ending left me wondering though.

You are a great writer, Gussie!

You asked who that was in the last picture with me. That's Glenda, the friendly ghost. She lives down the cellar most of the year. My mom gets her out for Halloween. Maybe she comes out more often than we think. Ooooooo......

Koobuss Kisses,

Maggie & Mitch said...

This is so awesome, Gussie! You took the name game and made it into the cutest story! You're so creative!
Are you going to Martha and Ike's wedding today in France? Hope to see you!

Love ya lots,
Maggie and Mitch

Harry said...

Excellent, simply excellent!

Toodle pip,
Harry x

Jake of Florida said...

Is that what living in St. Louis does to one? We're glad Mom and Dogdad only spend a week or so there every year -- and Dogdad seems to have escaped unharmed from his early years. Maybe it only happens retroactively!!!

Very very clever Gussie, old pal.

Jake and Just Harry

William Tell said...

This is just too funny! I'm glad you spent the time putting it together, very ingenius!

William Tell

Lenny said...

I always enjoy your creative writing Gus, whether it's songs or poems or stories! Thanks!

Your friend, Lenny

Sophie Brador said...

Great names! Excellent story telling. You need a book and a movie deal.


Asta said...

When awe you witing a book! You awe pawsome..I do enhoy a gweat tale with tewwific chawactews..this was so much mowe fun and intewesting to wead than my boowing list!
congwatulations on makeing us all fall ovew laughing,
smoochie kisses

Agatha and Archie said...

OMD Gussie,you should see PL2 ..she is HYSTERICAL and can not stop laughing,She is crying from laughing so hard.This is the funniest story EVER!!!!!!!!!!!! Love A+A (PL2 here,no kidding,I can not breathe from laughing so hard!! Excellent and so clever!!!!!!)

Patience-please said...

I just woke up Bill from laughing over Poached Egg Kibble Tree the hippie!
Very clever! Thanks for the fun!

Patience and the snoozing whippet waggle

Blue said...

Hi there!

Did enjoy the story - what a great way to do the tag.

Thought I'd let you know in advance, that yes I am meeting Jackson & JI. We plan to get to-gether to-morrow - where, depends on how well poor Jackson is. Jackie was still waiting on his test results & is ever so concerned about him fitting again, so I may go the their house than beach walk.

Love & pats

Jackson said...

Hey Gus, what a neat story. I wish I could write poems and stories like you but I think that my forte is destroying toys. Oh, and eating. J x

Asta said...

I had the boowingst day..ewwands and helping Mommi iwon,I hope youws was bettew..also I heawd tomowwow is house cleaning all day Yuck!!!! it's finally cold, and we have to get some wawm clothes fwom theiw hidy place too....,but sunday I might get to meet all those fox tewwiews at the pawk that I heawd about on the Alzheimews walk..I'll let you know how it goes.
smoochie kisses

Ivy said...

hey hey gussie wordmaster. great story! you are so very creative. much better than the regular old boring old name game.

my word verificashun word for this comment is 'trypo'. i dont know wut that means but my randy said maybe it is wen you spell sumthing wrong on purpose. tee hee.

Stanley said...


When are you publishing, buddy? If you don't submit it for publication, then one of us should do it for you. You're A-MAZING!

You kill me, man!

Goober love,